Irresistible Revolution

Let's just scratch the last entry I wrote. No sooner had I written that blog that God quickly reminded me why I am where I am and what my purpose is.

I finally started reading Irresistible Revolution by Shane Claiborne (after a year of wanting to read it but never getting around to it) and it has reminded me of my passions and the reason God gave me those passions. If I had read this book a few years ago it would have completely wrecked me...turned everything I knew and thought upside down to reveal a reality about who Jesus is and who as Christians we are called to be. I feel like I have already been wrecked in that area...but I too often forget that. This book is "re-wrecking" my life. It is bringing me back to the place when God first got a hold of my heart and set me on fire for Him...gave me such an unsettling in my soul to do something more...not be be more or accomplish more, but that there was so much more to following Jesus than church on Sunday nights (or morning); that we are called to love and to serve the least of these...that we are feeding Jesus, clothing him, serving him. "Whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." (Matt. 25:40)

I cannot forget the reason Jesus called us...I cannot live as though the bible is a "guideline" to follow when my own way gets lost...I want it to be my life, my soul, my food and shelter. I want to live the bible and see it happen...not just read about what Jesus did...do what Jesus did. "I tell you the truth, anyone who has faith in me will do what I have been doing. He will do even greater things than these..." (John 14:12) I want this to be what defines my life. I want to love like Jesus loved...I want to hold nothing back from serving Him.

"Over and over, when I ask God why all of these injustices are allowed to exist in the world, I can feel the Spirit whisper to me, 'You tell me why we allow this to happen. You are my body, my hands, my feet.'"

-Irresistible Revolution

Life. Right Now.

"The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row. It seems farther than ever before. I need you so much closer. So come on." -Death Cab

This defines my life right now. I have no idea where I'm at and I feel so far away from where I'm supposed to be. I've lost sight of the purpose for what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.

I need to see clearly...but I don't know how.

Fevers and Coughs

This title sums up my entire week. I've been sick since Tuesday night after the David Crowder concert, which was amazing, and am still fighting it!

I woke up Wednesday morning with a fever and then developed a cough and a stuffy nose. I stayed home from school all day Wednesday and had to cancel life group. I was feeling better when the night came around but then I woke up in the morning to an even worse fever! It was horrible...my whole body was on fire. So I skipped yet another day of school. I watched movies and the seasons of Greek all day. I went to bed Thursday night with a horrible fever...but by the morning it had gone away! I was excited because I thought maybe I would be able to go to the big event at Simpson, Airband. Only to be surprised around 6 o' clock by another fever! Ugh...I hate being sick.

I'm now sitting home on a Friday evening missing the big event. I've also missed 3 days of school and 2 quizzes...only 1 of which I can make up. I hate being sick! I just want to feel better and be able to leave thise house and get off the couch. I have'nt been this sick in a really long time...dang flu. I'm really hoping that I will be better by the time Monday rolls around so that I don't miss any more school. That would be wonderful.

Sex Trafficking

I just watched a 45 minute video on sex-trafficking in the Netherlands, Japan, Jamaica, and the U.S. It focused on those four countries for the concern of the documentary but it is informational about sex trafficking all over the world.

This video broke my heart but it set me on fire to bring change to this issue...in whatever way I can and right now that way is praying. I think some people tend to underestimate the power of prayer...but it is so extremely powerful. I believe that through prayer situations begin to change.

What God really put on my heart through this video was to really start praying for the men in this world...the buyers in the sex industry, the men who run the brothels, the loverboys who manipulate woman into prostitution, the pimps. i have such a burden to pray for them...because without demand for these women, the industry wouldn't be so big. Without the men behind the business to traffic these women, there wouldn't be so many being brought into the world of prostitution. It makes me so sad that this is such a huge multi-billion dollar industry...and that means there are that many people paying for these prostitutes! It's so sad...and so far from what is supposed to be.

The other thing that really makes me sad is that it is becoming so much more acceptable to do these things. It's legal in Amsterdam...it's not legal here but believe it or not there are tens of thousands of women trafficked into the US every year. And many more women already in the US who are in prostitution. Everywhere you go there are adult stores...filled with porn of young women showing themselves off to the world. Yes...some choose to do it, but does that make it ok? Does that mean that they are not going to come out of it down the road and realize how damaging it truly was? And the men! So many men think it's ok to look at porn...no big deal. It is a huge deal! Huge. Men need to step up. The men in our world need to be challenged to be real men like God created them to be. I'm not talking about ALL men...but so many men in this world.

Ok...for example. Most often the only type of punishment that takes place in the world of prostitution is that the prostitutes are the ones to be arrested...whether they are doing it by their own choice or being forced. And the pimps who take every penny the woman makes and uses it to barely supply the woman's needs, but pockets the rest? What happens to him? And the man paying for the prostitute...what about him? It's so warped...it's so sad.

I want to see men standing up and saying that they won't tolerate that anymore...that they will take a stand and be the one to go out and minister to these men. To bring the change. To pray for this issue. I am so burdened by this issue. I am going to pray until God tells me to go...and then I'll go but I'll keep praying.

I believe that God will hear my cries for this...and I think that change will come. God will bring a revolution...men will turn back to Him and step up like never before. I believe this and I am praying for this. Anything is possible through Christ. He is the victor...Satan may be the ruler of the world...but God is KING. He is Lord over all, and Satan will not win over these men...they are God's and God will reclaim them.

"For your Maker is your husband-the Lord Almighty is His name-the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer; He is called the God of all the earth." Isaiah 54:5

www.enddemand.org

DREAMS

So this summer has been kind of rough...but at the same time such a learning period. Lately God has been giving me these amazing dreams and filling me with such a passion for His people. But at the same time Satan has been attacking me so hard...it's such a constant struggle. Sometimes I give up, and I don't stand my ground like I should, because I feel like I can't win. And then I feel so discouraged that I gave up...and I didn't fight. But I know I can win!

I just need to surrender everything to Him...which I realized I haven't done. There are things that I've been holding onto because of fear of letting it go. But everything that I don't surrender...and try to hold onto, crumbles. Because I'm trying to do it myself, instead of giving it to God. I can't hold onto anything anymore...I need to put my full trust in the Lord and know that His plans are higher than mine...and He knows everything! I don't want the things of this world anymore...those things that I won't give up...I'm done. I give it all to Him.

I can no longer let anything stand in my way of the dreams God has given me...I can't let Satan discourage me and bring me down. I need to stand no matter how hard the struggle...no matter how long...no matter what. I will not fall again and let these battles overtake me. I want to be faithful to the call placed on my life...to the person the Lord has made me to be. To the dreams the Lord gave me...to the mission He has put me on. I want to be real...passionate. I don't want to live for anything else.

So God has given me this amazing dream to lead a mission team to the red light district in Amsterdam. I went there this summer on my way to Africa. We had a really long layover and went into the city, and ended up in a red light district...with women flaunting themsleves in windows. My heart broke for these women and this city! I told my team that I wanted to go back there someday...and I feel God leading me there this coming summer.

My vision for the trip is to lead a team of men and women...women to minister to the prostitutes...and the men to minister to the men going to the prostitutes. I want to build real relationships with these men and women in Amsterdam and just love on them. I want these women to know who they truly are...beautiful...and the men to know the same. I want to see restoration...healing...empowerment...and love.

I also just want to really be interceding for Amsterdam. I want to walk around the city and pray, intercede...just let God's power come. I want to see the city restored...and revival to happen. I believe God has such a heart for this city, and wants to see them come back to Him. And I know He has called me there...and will call the people He has to this team. I am so excited to see what God has for this trip...I know it is going to be amazing.

Past

Scalpel poised and ready

Incision smooth and precise

Life pours from the aperture

Heart beating under rancid flesh

The enemy’s maniacal laugh resonates through the hollow walls

Body exposed to the world

Every deep crevice revealed to the wolves

The world hisses and scoffs at the emptiness

Wounds ripped open for show

The finest production the inhabitants can fathom

A fine penny to cut in deeper

Deeper they cry, deeper

First to the heart is the diamond in the ruff

The woman lies motionless and waits

As they carve, chip, drill reaching for a part

Pieces held by many once what was whole

Never to be whole again

They dig deeper scrounging for every last bit

Eyeing in disappointment at the meager portions

The shell left emptied of its form

Light flows and scatters vultures

The carcass begins its rebirth

But they return, dig deeper

Scabs form

They’re torn open

Until one comes with the patches

Mending and reviving

Not whole or adequate, but patched and ready

Waiting for the needle and thread to complete the creation

This is a poem from my past. Let me just say that God saved me from this depression. I am amazed to read this and see where I was...and to look at who I am now. God made me so new, and He healed me...nothing else brought me to the place I am today. It was only God's love for His creation and my choice to run back into His open arms.

Kenya Part 1

It has been way too long since I last wrote a blog. Last time I wrote I was in Amsterdam on my way to Kenya. Now I am back in Redding just enjoying and obligation free summer. If you want to read about our daily activities in Kenya you can go here http://eliteams.blogspot.com/2009/05/simpson-univ-09-we-are-in-kenya.html. Otherwise I won't go into the specifics of my trip but just explain what the Lord was doing in me and through my trip.

Africa was an amazing trip and it is so hard to explain everything that God did while we were there, but He blessed every part of our trip. First of all the girls that were a part of my team: Megan McCarty, Megan Flores, and Karissa Hansen were all so wonderful. We got to know each other so much better on our trip and got a lot closer as friends. We worked so well together and felt really comfortable being honest and open with each other, so we were able to work through issues easily and lean on one another in prayer. It was such a blessing to be able to have people around me that I could confide in. Not to mention that since we were able to talk with each other we were comfortable joking and just having a lot of fun.

In fact, there were a lot of jokes we took away from the trip. One of the ongoing jokes was our bathroom jokes...because we seemed to have a lot of problems in and with bathrooms. Take this video for example, of when Karissa was locked in the bathroom.


Aside from the fun and all of the jokes God revealed some amazing things to me. First of all He showed me how big He really is. I already knew He was big, but I really got to experience how big He is and how He is at work all over the world. I was able to participate in the work that God is doing on the other side of the world. It is so cool to see that God is so present and at work everywhere! There is not a place in this whole world where God is not working, and there are so many opportunities for us to join in on what is happening.

We partnered with a ministry called Empowering Lives International (ELI) and it was such a blessing to be able to help them in the work they are doing for God's kingdom. I just fell in love with the ministry and the people that are a part of it. Here is a little info about ELI:

This organization seeks to help those who are in poverty. One of the major reasons for poverty in Africa is the fact that people lack the skills, knowledge, or opportunities to succeed. ELI is working to break the cycle of poverty through the establishment of Skills for Life training centers.

In these centers people from all over Kenya come to be taught new farming methods. The ELI staff seeks to broaden the range of possibilities in farming and teach people to utilize every resource that is available to them. By introducing new farming techniques and procedures, people learn to save money and produce better crops. Since Kenya is predominantly agricultural, these skills are very useful to have.

ELI also has Alcohol Rehab programs. Alcoholism is a major issue in Africa, as many people see alcohol sales as a way to provide for their families. It is an ever growing problem for Kenya and ELI has recognized that. With the Anti-Alcoholic program ELI seeks to help alcoholics come out of their alcoholism by providing them with training through the 12-step program after a week of detox. Before sending them back out into their communities they are taught business and agricultural skills to be able to be successful.

I really enjoyed getting to know the people that work at ELI and grew to feel so at home with them. I felt like they were a part of my family and I was a part of theirs, I felt so welcomed by every person. I miss those people so much, they each have an amazing heart and passion for God's people and want to bring the love of Christ to everyone. I really love those people and I am so glad I was able to get to know them.

The part about my trip that I enjoyed the most was getting to know the people, and especially the children in the Children's Home at ELI. There were 91 beautiful children and each one is so wonderful. The way the home is set up is the children are divided into 4 famililes: each family has a set of house parents that care for the children, and each family has 12 girls and 12 boys. The family I stayed with for the time while I was there was the Nickson family. I cannot even explain how much I came to love those children. If it were possible I would have brought them all home with me. But I know that they are being loved by their house parents and the other staff at ELI.

80 percent of the children at the home were orphaned by AIDS and 2 kids are infected with HIV. The rest lost their parents from illnesses or accidents. Although these children have all gone through so much pain in their lives they are the happiest and most grateful, appreciative children I have ever met. They thank God every day for blessing them with a place to live and be cared for, and they pray for those children who aren't cared for. They really have great hearts to help others, and they all have high hopes and dreams for their futures. Some kids want to be in the Kenyan government, some want to be engineers, pilots, politicians, teachers, doctors, and so many other things. Every child has a dream for themselves, and they know that with God anything is possible. Although the odds were stacked against them, they persevered. I learned so much from the children and their attitudes and heart, and most of all the faith.

I have said a lot so far, but not everything...so in my next blog I'll continue.

Amsterdam!!

Hello everyone! I only have a few minutes but we are randomly in an apple store in Amsterdam and there is internet so we are taking advantage of the opportunity. We have an 11 hour layover so we are exploring the city of Amsterdam and it is amazing!! We saw the Anne Frank house and the architecture here is so amazing! I can't believe I'm here...but I am! We leave tonight for Nairobi and will arrive there at about 7am tomorrow morning. Keep Praying for us as we travel but so far everything has gone smooth! Bwana Asifiwe (praise the lord in swahili)

On our way to Kenya!!!!!!!!!

I am leaving tomorrow at 3pm for Africa. I am so excited I cannot even explain the excitement. I won't be able to write or call...basically no communication until June 17th when we arrive back the states. We will, however, be able to update our team blog about once a week with what we are doing. The blog address is www.eliteams.blogspot.com. Read our blogs and please pray for us!! Thank you everyone for all of your prayers already and it's so good to know that we are so covered in prayer back in the states. I love you all and I can't wait to come back and tell everyone about my trip and what God did!!

Training Week

4 days until I leave for Kenya!!! I'm really excited and ready to go. Since Monday I have been at training week at Simpson for all of the missions teams. It has been a really good learning and growing experience while at the same time being very difficult and challenging. I have been pushed physically this week for the most part but that has really taught me a lot about endurance. We started out the week with a camping trip at Castle Crags. The first day we arrived we hiked up to one of the crags...it was about 3 miles uphill and then we had to go back down it. This hike was very difficult because I am not used to hiking uphill for that long and we also had to climb up rocks once we got closer to the top. By the end of the hike we were all extremely tired and hungry. Although it was difficult I really learned a lot about enduring. God was showing me that I need to endure through the struggle no matter how hard it is because eventually I will make it through. I also learned a lot about attitudes and choosing to have a good attitude even when you are extremely frustrated. If you choose to have a good attitude not only will your own experience be more positive, but also the people around you.

The next day we helped the park services carve out a trail for people to walk on. The day before I wondered out loud to my team "I wonder how they make these trails?"...and then the next day I found out firsthand...it's not easy. You actually dig the dirt out to make the path smooth and wide. It was hard work but we made it through. The rest of the week we have just bee spending time with God back at campus and doing team building activities. I have learned a lot about my team this week and we are beginning to work very well together. 

Today is our first day where we have some rest so it has been really nice to relax my muscles finally. I am really glad that the Lord has called me to this because I love learning and being pushed out of my comfort zone to accomplish big things. The Lord is so good. I just ask that you keep me and my team in your prayers as we train and then as we travel to Kenya on Monday!!

Baptism

Unleashed!

This past few months have been the most amazing months and there are a few reasons why. The first reason is that I was part of a Life Group at the Stirring. The second is that I got a new boss and new responsibilities at my job. The third is that God has been calling me out and fulfilling what he had told me about 3 years ago.

So to start...3 years ago when I turned my life back to Christ and began following Him again God gave me a promise. I was really down at the time because I was struggling with how to live my new life and let go of my past. I was in class one morning and I felt so beat down and attacked that I couldn't stand it and I pulled out my bible right there in class. I was reading the Psalms when I came across Psalm 138:8 ("The LORD will fulfill His purpose for me, Your love Oh LORD endures forever. Do not abandon the works of your hands.") I felt like at that moment the Lord was giving me this verse and telling me "Elisa, I have a purpose for your life and I am faithful and will fulfill that in you. My love is sufficient for you and will never give way." At that moment a peace came over me and I knew that the Lord was doing something in me and He did have a purpose for my life.

Later I was reading the story of Moses and while reading the story of Moses being called by God the Lord told me that I was like Moses. At that time I was making excuses to the Lord of why I couldn't do what He wanted me to do. The Lord told me that my excuses are nothing and that He was going to use me in spite of what I thought my flaws were. He told me then that I would be a leader, and I would lead people to freedom like Moses did.

Although I continued to walk with Christ I also continued to struggle with my past at points and never fully gave everything over to Him. I always made excuses of why I couldn't let the Lord use me to be a leader. I told Him that I was too shy, didn't speak well, couldn't relate to people, had no influence....and the list went on. I believed so many lies about myself that it held me back from really stepping out into the role God was calling me to. It wasn't until about 6 months ago that I was truly freed from all of the lies of my past and the excuses of not being good enough to be used. Since that point the Lord has been working so much in my life.

The past 4 months or so have been some of the most challenging and yet the most rewarding. God began calling me out as a leader and putting me in positions of leadership where I had authority and influence. I had never dreamed that I would have the positions that I did. I began to realize that there was so much more in me that I could give over to the Lord. He began to reveal to me the areas in which I needed to grow as a leader and the areas in which He wanted me to step out of my comfort zone.

That's when I got into Derrick Fleck's life group of Spiritual Formation. This group has been so incredibly amazing I can't even explain it. I have formed so many new friendships and truly feel like I have made a family. I feel so at home and encouraged with these people and I love going and meeting every Monday at 7. I have learned to open up, to step out and live out the calling God has put on my life. Derrick challenged us to really reach out and he constantly spoke destiny into our lives which was so cool. I have come away from this group with so much encouragement, faith, confidence, and love. I feel so loved by these people and I have never had people speak into my life like at this group. This has really been one of the things that has pushed me forward into the spot I am at right now. I have been so challenged and have gained so much.

I have also been pushed to step out by my new boss Elizabeth Peterson. She is an amazing lady and has been such an encouragement to me. She has really been someone that has lovingly called me out as a leader and helped me to really embrace what it means to lead. She has shown me so much love and has really helped to spark such a passion in me for my school and the commuters there. I have been so incredibly challenged by this job (which doesn't feel like a "job") to grow as a leader. I have learned how to lead and be good at it. There is so much that goes into it that I never realized until now. She has also challenged me to be the spiritual leader in the commuter program as well. I am so excited for what God is doing with Simpson and with the commuter program. It has been such a blessing to be able to help build the foundations for such an amazing program.

So....all of this led to my complete surrender of everything I have to the Lord's will and the purpose that He has for me. I am tired of holding myself back because of fear that I will not do it right. So on Sunday (Easter) I got baptized at the Stirring. I felt God calling me to do this because I finally have surrendered all to Him and am ready to give up everything for Him. I feel like something so new is beginning in my life that I have never experienced before and I wanted to show everyone that I am so in love with Jesus and am dead to my old life and fully embracing the new one! It was the most amazing thing I have ever experienced. I cannot fully describe how I felt that night that I got baptized. I was so overwhelmed by the Holy Spirit and when I was in that tub I felt His presence like I never felt it before. In that moment that I went under and came up there was so much love and victory that I had never felt in my entire life like I did in that moment. And now I have such a sense of something so fresh and new beginning in my life, something so great that I cannot even fathom what it is.

That was confirmed tonight when Matt, Kendall, Niki, and Derrick prayed over me and anointed me. Matt spoke confidence over me and said that I will have confidence in the Lord and that nothing will hold me back any longer. Niki said that she felt that God was unleashing so much stuff that it was crazy, and Derrick said that I have authority to speak and that God was giving me something and I need to run with it. This all confirmed what the Lord has been speaking to me the last few months. He has been preparing me for something great, and it has now been unleashed in me and darkness better watch out! I am a warrior and I am not letting anything hold me back from running ahead full force with what the Lord has for me. I am so thankful for my life group and for these people who have spoke so much life into me.

I feel so ALIVE like I have never felt before. I am so excited for what the Lord is doing in me and I just want to shout it so loud! Thank you LORD!

My Two Decades of living

I have moved out of the teenage years and have officially lived for two decades....20 years old. So much has taken place in these past two decades....I have grown into an adult and I am finally becoming the woman God created me to be. I'm figuring out who I am and how God wants to use me in this world. I've been stretched and pushed beyond my boundaries and am living in the uncomfortable. I am constantly learning how to live out this life and this call and am growing day by day. I am so excited for where these next years will take me...and what God will do. My prayer is that I will never be comfortable with this life, that I will constantly long for more, but at the same time be completely satisfied with my Lord and all that He has blessed me with. I want to live for the Kingdom...I don't want to live for this world...but I want to love this world and bring the Kingdom here. I want to learn to love the least, I want to disciple, I want to create family and community, I want to serve, I want to give hope, and I want to do it for the glory of the Lord. My prayer for my life is that I will be all consumed with a fiery passion for my Beloved. I want to see His face and I want to be His hands and feet...I want to go...send me.

Daylight Savings

Oh my goodness I am sooo tired!! The loss of an hour of sleep has more of an effect than i thought...it might also have to do with the fact that I had to get up this morning at 8 (but really 7)...and I never wake up early anymore. I had to cover for a girl at the morning service for the Stirring kids. It was nice because I got to see a lot of the kids that used to go to the night service but switched to the morning...so I never see them. They remembered me too...it was great. After that I went home and took a 2 hour nap...then got up and started getting ready to go to the Stirring night service and teach the kids. I love teaching those kids...and God has really grown a passion for children in me and I really love to see them grow. I think I probably learn more from the kids than they do from me (well I hope they are learning something from me).

Then at the 7pm service Travis Osborne spoke and he was so good! I really enjoyed hearing what he had to say about the story of Jonah. The part I most connected with was when he was speaking about having God's heart for people and not making yourself better than others...but realizing that we all deserve God's grace just the same...we don't. I really want to have God's heart for everything, I want to be broken of everything that is of me and take on all that is of God. I get so tired of myself, I want to see people the way God does and have love for them like He does. It was really good. God is good.

Speaking of God...and being good...God has been answering my prayers like crazy! Even the ones I forgot I had prayed...and then He answeres them and reminds me...like "Hey remember, you prayed for this?? Duh" It's so cool, and He is continuing to grow me and push me past my boundaries into the uncomfortable...the places I never thought I'd go. It's amazing...I can't even describe it.

Oh and my mission team really needs prayer for financial provision...we didn't meet our deadline so we can't buy our plane tickets yet, which means they are going to get more expensive. It's good because we are learning to rely on God as a team and are bonding...but we need prayer. We will continue to trust though.

Also...I sold my first painting...I feel like a real artist now.

Hank III

I went to the Hank III concert this weekend and it was so amazing. Best concert of my life hands down. We got a hotel room in San Francisco that was about 1 block from the venue so we could walk there. We left Saturday morning and hung out all day in SF waiting for the show. It was Kayla and I plus about 10 guys, we were the only girls but it was great.

The show started at about 8 and it went until almost 12. Hank was so awesome! He played forever...and he played his old stuff, new stuff, and Hank Sr. and Hank Jr. stuff as well. We danced the whole time...all the guys in the mosh pit were the guys we knew so Kayla and I joined in with them. It was great...I've got some bruises from it. We were also swing dancing in the mosh pit which was so much fun!! It was kind of hard because people kept knocking us down, but it was great. Just a good rowdy old time. I love Hank because he is definitely country, but he's real country...not pop country. And he's got a metal band...so country/metal...so awesome.

When the show was done we were all so tired...we went back to the room and crashed then woke up the next morning and drove home. I wish this weekend would happen all over again.

Yet Another Piercing

Today I pierced my nose for the second time...I hope this time will turn out better than the last. It's a purple stud. And Chelsea also got her nose pierced...we always end up getting piercings together. We were sitting and talking at school and randomly made the decision. Partners in crime...we like to surprise people.

Other than that my week hasn't been too good. I've been so attacked and weighed down and I have no idea why. Nothing that I can think of triggered this and nothing is keeping it going, but it won't go away. I was so excited for what God was doing in my life...I feel like He is calling me out in areas that I need to grow in and shaping me to be a better leader and witness for Him. He has been laying things before me that I can work on to be the leader He has created me to be. It's been amazing...I'm doing everything wholeheartedly and really giving it my all because God has shown me to honor Him with everything I do.

But then something changed...in a moment that I can't remember. I just started feeling really discouraged about my life, and about the person that I am. I have been feeling really depressed (which I usually can counteract with the Lord's truth) but I can't. This is so heavy on me. I've been seeking the Lord, I've been crying out to Him but I don't hear anything. I've been through periods of silence with the Lord before, but that was when I was being disobedient to His call. This time I was listening to His call and was really excited about what He was going to do. I even started to get really frustrated with God, and started asking Him 'why?' But then I was reminded of the book of Job and how ridiculous God said it was that Job was asking Him why? So I know that the Lord has bigger plans for me than I can see, but it's so hard. I feel so dry, and I am so thirsty. I will continue to praise Him even though I feel like I have nothing in me to give to Him.

Growth

I have been learning and growing so much these past few months...it's pretty incredible. I'm becoming comfortable with who I am and who God has made me to be, He has been calling me out in the areas of my life that I could do better in. He's been gently pushing me to really step up and into the role He has for me. At the same time I'm becoming uncomfortable and learning to break free from the unnecessary boundaries I've created for myself. I'm learning to push myself into the places I was afraid to go but need to go. I am growing so much and I am so thankful for that.

In no way can I say that it has been easy, it's been really hard but I'm learning so much from these experiences. I prayed for God to grow me and show me where I need step up in my life...and He is fully answering that prayer. It's awesome.

Maybe...

Maybe it's ok when your world is shattered...maybe we need those experiences so we can lay everything down at the cross and realize we can't carry it all by ourselves. Maybe it reveals the reality of our broken world and our deep need for healing from the only unbroken being there is. Maybe our world is shattered because it needs to be, because if every piece were perfectly in place we wouldn't need to be fixed...if we didn't need to be fixed then our world would be perfect....reality is our world is not perfect and it needs to be repaired. Something which is broken can't fix anything else that is broken, so we need the unbroken...God to mend us.

The shattering of our world brings glory to the Unbroken One.

Reality

It's late, I have a headache, and I just wrote a horrible essay that's due tomorrow. I am going to complain a little because I realized I only write happy blogs where everything is sunshine and smiley faces :) but that's not how my life always is...sometimes it's "I just stepped in a huge mud puddle, spilled coffee on my white shirt, 10 minutes late to class and missed a quiz" kind of life. I do love the sunshine but I've got to be real, it's not always so sunny around here.
I can't always hold myself up like everything is perfect because that's not the truth. I feel like I have to be stable and put on my happy face to be able to be there for anyone when they need it. But I really need people to be there for me sometimes. I know a lot of it is my fault because I don't tell people when I struggle because then I feel like I am being selfish by needing too much from someone else. I just cry out to God. But I know God wants me to be real with people. So here it is...realness. I'm overwhelmed and lonely. I need people and I need rest. Loneliness is not from the Lord...because He never leaves us. I need to fully take hold of this. I also need to trust that He will provide me with relationship with people. I also need to rest in Him.

LORD teach me to rest in you and trust in your provision for my life.

Gangster's Paradise

The title has nothing to do with my blog...the song just happened to be on when I started the blog. ( I am listening to my 90's mix...love the 90's hits)

This past week was extremely long and busy...busiest week I've had in a really long time. I had prayed last week that God would give me things to do because I was really bored...He definitely answered my prayer. Be careful what you pray for, sometimes the answer just gets thrown at you out of nowhere, and then it hits you right in the face...hard. Ouch, that's how I feel. Thank you for slapping me in the face with answers to prayer Lord. It was busy but it was also so great...lots of growth and uncomfortableness.
Started in a life group on Monday and it was amazing, I see an amazing opportunity for growth with other people. I also studied for 8 hours.
Tuesday I had school ALL day and then we put on a worship night...amazing. The night ended with the group coming together and praying for eachother...it was powerful. God was there.
Wednesday I had work all day and went shopping for an event. It was great getting to know people. Then I had a mission team meeting...it was nice bonding with my team.
Thursday I awoke bright and early to set up for the commuter breakfast. Breakfast was great and then I had school for 9 hours. I went home and did homework.
Friday I worked all day and then went to a banquet with my mission team. It was great because I really began to feel connected to my group. We had a lot of fun. Then I got to hang out with my friend Jared.
Saturday I went to the snow and there was a crazy storm...snow was pouring down. It was great...and cold. Went to dinner with my sis and aunt Amy. Watched a great old movie. Fell asleep.
Today...relaxed!! Then went to church to hear an amazing sermon about honor. Now, I am doing homework and blogging. That was my week in a nutshell. Very jam packed but amazing. Thank you Lord for answering my prayers.

Newness

This weekend has been uneventful so far...except I finally finished my painting!! It's my first real painting. I have always been an artist, but usually it's drawings with different types of media...this time I painted and I am so excited! I want to do it more and more so I can get better at it, and hopefully I can do something for Erase the Dark at the Stirring.


On another note I am so stoked for my Africa trip...May can't come soon enough. I feel God working in my life and preparing me for this trip. I feel like I am finally in a place in my life to be ready for something like this...I want to be pushed beyond my boundaries, I want to be uncomfortable, I want to be bold, I want to step out of my normal life and I want to embrace something completely new! I cannot wait.

A Broken Frame

beaten..bruised..scarred
the scars are painful memories
tears stream down her sullen face
Fear and Shame overcome the trembling girl
Hopeless and despairing
Beauty is absent from the frame
Light is once again forgotten
Mocked..ripped open..exposed
she runs farther
looking for an exit
FALLEN...
she cannot go on

HE lifts her up from the dust
His touch heals her broken form
His breath gives a beat to her withered heart
Beauty is revived and Light shines
He calls her to come...
Stay with me, I will guide you.
You ran and I waited.
The dark smothered you, but I protected
You disowned me, and I wept.
I waited, my Love, for your return.
My heart broke, I saw your pain.
I offered healing, but you ripped open the wounds.
You fell, I picked you up.
Come home to me my Child.
Let me heal your wounds.
I will never let you go...I never did.
I will love you always.
She saw the beauty that flowed from Him
My Father, I cannot go on by myself.
The Father's arms were open wide
The broken girl ran with all her strength
She fell into his grasp

He carried her home.

Why?

Why is it I desire what I can't have and don't desire what I can?? I don't know why the world is so complicated sometimes. I don't even know how to go about getting what I desire anyway...so why do I care so much? Ah!

Life and its issues.

In with the new

Where did the time go?? It's 2009 already and I'm about to start my third semester of college...it feels like I just started college but it's almost halfway over.

New Year's is a funny event because it is just another day...no different really from another day of the year except the next day we are in a different year, but it's just a number really. Although it's really not anything special...it really is. New Year's marks the end of something and the beginning of something new. People feel hope as they put the year before behind them and see a new hope for the new year. Within one year so much happens and at the end we all look back and remember the year and whether it was good or bad and decide what we should change for the new year. Really it is like a clean slate, a fresh start of something new and a hope to make the coming year better than the last. The New Year is simply just another day in time... yet it has become so significant in our lives.

I look back on 2008 and it was a year of growth for me. I have learned to let go of the past and live in the present and to be content with what I have been given in this life. It was an overall good year. For this coming year of 2009 I hope to grow more and learn more. It would also be nice to finally find someone, I have been content with being single for a while now and I feel like I am finally ready to start a relationship...I just need to find that right someone. I am excited to see what this next year brings and I am thankful for the memories that the past year has brought.