All Light and Fluffy

I shared my testimony for the first time today in chapel at Simpson...in front of everybody. The Lord totally spoke through me and He blessed me so much through sharing my story. I was so encouraged by people who came up to me and told me that my story really touched them. One lady even told me that I am supposed to show people my freedom and share my story, and help them to find freedom as well. It was such an amazing day. Not to mention I got my hair done and it is amazing, and so is my Aunt Amy because she did a great job and we got to talk about all sorts of things. She always encourages me. So I feel an even greater sense of freedom now after sharing, I feel all light and fluffy. So I thought I would share my testimony here as well:

Today I want to share a little piece of my story with you. It is about my journey to discovering who I am and who I want to be. It is a journey that has not been at all easy, but it is the most beautiful and freeing journey I have ever been on. This journey has cost me so much, yet it is such a little price to pay for what I have got in return.

My story begins with the entering of a new and uncharted territory in my life: high school. High school became the place where I was introduced to the world and all that it had to offer. It was this time in my life that I began to think for myself and decide what I really wanted, and what I wanted was to party! I began drinking and getting high at parties with my friends. It was just an occasional thing up until my sophomore year of high school when it became a weekly habit. I would go out every night of every weekend and party with my friends. I would lie to my parents so that I could stay out all night and not come home. It was during this time that I also became sexually active. This was all normal in my group of friends, and so it is what I did. I became a person who got drunk and high, lied, cheated and stole. I let go of my morals and inhibitions and I did whatever I wanted. It was also during this time that I decided I wanted nothing to with God. To me He was non-existent, or so I told myself and so I went on with my party life for 3 years. At the end of the three years my habits had become so destructive that I became severely depressed. I was partying almost every night of the week, sleeping around, stealing all the time, and destroying the relationship with my family by being deceitful and disrespectful. I reached a very hard bottom in my life; I began to realize that the life I was living was anything but fulfilling. I became very depressed, I felt disgusting and extremely dirty. I felt as though I was the lowliest human being on the planet. I felt used, abused, discarded, and severely lonely. I was crying out for help in every way, I needed out of the hole I had dug myself into.

Then one night I encountered the love of the Holy Spirit, and my life was changed from that point on. Although I still struggled I was changed. I had grown up in the church and I had accepted the Lord as a child, but I had pushed myself away from the Lord and that night He held out His arms and He opened my eyes. He cleared away all that had been blocking me from seeing Him, for He had always been there right beside me. He had never left me, but waited patiently for when I would run into His open arms. From that point in my life I knew that the Lord loved me, and I had truly felt it. Although I continued to struggle, I could no longer ignore the Lord’s convictions. I eventually surrendered everything to Him and dedicated my life to Him. In the process I lost many of my friends, including my best friend, because the Lord knew what I could handle, and what I couldn’t. He knew I couldn’t I live a life for Him while being surrounded by my old lifestyle and the people in that. But the Lord gave me more than I could have ever asked for, he fulfilled my life. He filled that hole that I had been trying to fill with alcohol, drugs, sex, and friends. He gave me the love that I had been searching for, and he gave me a new identity. I was saved by His grace.

I have been living for the Lord ever since, but I will not tell you that is has been easy, because it has not. It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life, but the most rewarding. Until recently I had never truly embraced the freedom that Christ gave me the night that I gave up my old life to live a new one in Him. Christ changed me and made me a new person, He forgave me for my past mistakes and said “Elisa you are a new creation, you are not who you were.” The problem was I never truly believed this for myself. I had been living in shame for the mistakes of my past. I had felt for so long that I was worthless and deserve to feel the shame because they were my mistakes. And because I struggled so long, I would never get it right, I would always be a screw up, a failure, a nobody, a person that didn’t matter. Satan drilled these thoughts and words into my head. For so long I had let them hold me back from being who the Lord really wanted me to be. It paralyzed me with the fear of rejection because I felt like I could face no more of that in my life. But recently the Lord has shown me that I do not need to accept that shame in my life any longer. Christ did not die on the cross to take away our sins, only for us to wallow in them. Christ died so that we could have freedom from our sins, He offered us the chance to have life and have it to the fullest. Life to the fullest does not mean continually feeling shame for how we have lived our lives, full life is life found in the Lord, where we have freedom from our sins.When He forgive us He no longer looks at that sin, He forgets it. For the Lord does not care about who we were, but who we are and who He is creating us to be.

I would just like to encourage you all, if you are living in your past and holding onto your mistakes and the shame of your past, you need to let go and give it up to the Lord because He wants you to feel His freedom. It is as though you are saying to the Lord, "I know you died and took away my sins, but I am just going to hold onto the shame of those sins for a little bit but you can take the rest." It doesn't make sense, Jesus takes ALL of our sin away including the shame that goes with it. God made you a new person and He wants you to live a new life free of shame.

Some Family Additions

Yesterday, October, 20, 2008 Danielle McKeown and Luke Green got married. We now have a new family member, and I have a brother-in-law. It was really exciting for my sister and for all of the family because she has been waiting for her wedding day her whole life (as most women do). Although they haven't had their official wedding ceremony, they are now legally married. Danielle McKeown is now Danielle Green. I was the official witness and signed the marriage license. I'm so glad I am able to be a part of my sister's life and be there on her wedding day. I can remember when we were little, we had our differences but we also got along. When we started getting older we got along really well, and I feel like she is my best friend now. I am so happy for her and Luke and I'm really excited to be a part of their lives.

Is it that time of year already?!?!

I'm sick. Congested head, runny nose, sore throat, aching muscles sick. It's a really bad time because I have so much to do for school....midterm, paper to write, power point presentation to make and present, not to mention a big family weekend; this is not good at all. My plan is to go to bed early and wake up feeling refreshed and healthy, at least I hope that's how it will go.

While being sick I watched the final presidential debates tonight....I know who I'm going to vote for but I don't really like either of the candidates. This is my first time to be able to vote in the presidential elections and I'm quite dissapointed in the choices. It will be very interesting to see how this election is going to turn out.

I'm going to get ready to go to bed and try to get in a little bit of homework in before I do and I hope I will feel better tomorrow morning.

My weekend of concerts, hair dye, and shopping

I'm sitting in the commuter lounge right now, eating way too many peanut M&Ms that I bought last night. Today is a busy day, I have to work in the lounge until 2, then post some fliers for our events, and then go to the student senate meeting until about 6 or so. I then plan on going to the gym and after watching the Office. The amazing thing about today is that it is the last day of the week for me. We have Columbus day holiday this weekend, so we get tomorrow and Monday off from school. I am really stoked to have a 4 day weekend, but I have no idea what I am going to do with it. Here are some options I have come up with:

1. Stay here all weekend and do nothing! Enjoy having no school or work
2. Take a road trip to visit my cousin in San Francisco, then head down to Santa Rosa to visit the fam and friends

I haven't decided yet, but I probably should seeing how the weekend starts tonight. I probably will end up staying here because I haven't made any plans yet, but who knows it's always more fun to be spontaneous. We'll see what happens.

My week so far has been pretty uneventful, but this past weekend was pretty eventful. Friday night I hung out with my sister and we went shopping at Kohl's for some new clothes. We ended up getting some amazing deals! I spent $16.00 and got: $2.00 red flats, $10.00 silver flats, $4.00 black v-neck tee, and $7.00 black vest. I then got an extra 35% off all of my stuff with my sister's discount, so it ended up all costing me $16.00. We were pretty excited. The next day I went to the gym and then went and had my sister put pink in my hair again. I was getting so bored with just blonde, and it's always so much more fun to have color. Then later that night Nolan picked me up and we went to the Myriad concert, where we met up with my sister and AJ. It was a good show, and I got to see my Aunt and Uncle there as well as some friends. After the concert we went to Red Robin and ate some food, then went back to my sister's house where we hung out all night. On Sunday I did some homework, and then Chelea came over and we prayed for each other and it was so good. It is so nice to have somebody to pray with and to confide in about issues in your life. After that I had to get ready and go to church. Teaching the pre-K class was so much easier this past Sunday than it usually is. We were missing about 7 kids, so we had a much smaller number and it was so much easier to teach them because they actually listened. I think now that the morning church is starting we will continue to have a smaller class size, so it will be much better. After the kids, I went to the 7 o'clock service and my sister came with me. It was so nice to have her there. I then went home and went to bed because I was so exhausted. It was a really good weekend.

Freedom

I have found the most wonderful thing this past week....freedom. The Lord has freed me from all that I have let hold me back in my life and keep me from being the woman that God has created me to be. I finally have truly embraced what it means to be free in the Lord.

I have struggled with loneliness, fear, self worth, regret, and shame for so long and I have let it take over so much of my life. I came to accept it all, and I listened to the negative words that played over and over again in my head. All of these things have held me back for so long and kept me weak and fearful, not living the life that God had intended me to live. I never felt good enough, I was never confident in myself, I never viewed myself as being worth anything. I dwelled on my past, I let it consume me. I continually felt the shame for all of my mistakes and I was regretful of the things I had done. I was hopeless, thinking that I could never get it right, that I would always be a screw up, a nobody, a nameless shadow. I felt that I somehow had brought all the pain I felt on myself for making the choices I did. I accepted the fact that I wasn't a person that mattered.

I have struggled with some of these issues my entire life, and others for the past year or so, until God showed me what He means by being free. I realized after talking to my Aunt Amy that I have allowed all of these issues to take reign in my life, and I have allowed Satan to speak those negative words into my life. Once I realized this I was able to pray against that and no longer accept those things in my life. Shame, fear, and loneliness are not of God and since they are not of God I do not have to accept them. As soon as I did that I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from me. I truly know what it means to have freedom in the Lord. Although these issues still come up, I don't let them have any control over my life anymore. As soon as I have a negative thought I pray over it and give it to the Lord.

I have never felt so good as I do now. I feel like I can finally become the woman that God has created me to be, and I can now love other people the way that I am supposed to love them. By letting go of all that I held onto I am free to live my life for Christ. I want Him to have all of me, I am ready to live completely and solely for Him.

Eventful

I have so many things to write about today, an eventful weekend and week so far. I’m going to first start with my weekend. We went to San Francisco to surprise my cousin Alex for her birthday. It was me, My Aunt Amy, Aunt Heidi, Uncle Tim, all their children, my mom and Alex’s grandparents Dave, Donna, Willie, and Norma. It was a lot of people but it was great to have everyone there. We stayed at Haley’s house and went to the beach on Saturday morning then we got ready for Alex’s surprise birthday party which was at about 2. We had tons of food, music and awesome ice cream cake. We hung out all night long, and when it got too cold we went inside and had a dance party. We all ended up going to bed around midnight because we were so exhausted. The next morning we woke up, went to breakfast, then me and Aunt Amy drove all the way home so we could make it back in time for the Stirring. It was a great weekend overall.

Second event of my week was Women’s night for the Stirring the other night. It was a night where all the women who help out at the Stirring got together and we had a night of fellowship, worship, and prayer. It was really awesome, it was exactly what I needed and I think what a lot of other women needed as well. The Lord really freed me from the things that I have let hold me back and keep me down. He showed me that I don’t need to accept those things in my life and the Lord took them from me and I feel totally at peace. I realized that I spend so much time thinking negatively, and that is not of the Lord. God lifts us up; he doesn’t put negative words in our mind, that is the attack of Satan. God is really showing me where Satan is attacking me and I prayed over myself against that and I feel like a weight has been lifted. I am ready to be the woman that God has created me to be.

Lastly, I drove to school yesterday morning and got out of my car only to realize that I had a flat tire…..oh joy. Thankfully I have some really awesome friends who know how to take a tire off of a car and are nice enough to drive me to Les Schwab to get it fixed. They really are amazing.